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Ask Anything: Does it get to a narcissist that you don’t beg, grovel and stalk them to fix the relationship even though they are the one that discarded you?

In my situation with my Ex Narcissist,  While living with the supply my boyfriend dumped me for someone else.  I knew all along that there was someone else but he was real good at hiding it so I couldn’t bring it up to him with no proof. One weekend was different though than any other. He was a lot more demeaning to me, cold and callous, and just plain horrible. We were going to his softball’s teams BBQ and when we stopped at the liquor store he didn’t even ask me if I wanted anything before he went in.

I was the only one in the car he didn’t ask too. He had done that before but not in front of a car full of people. He totally ignored me the entire day. Rolled his eyes if I asked him a question making it seem like I was a burden for being there. He asked me if I wanted to leave the BBQ early so I could go home and not sleep over his place that night. I wound up sleeping over and he asked me to pack and be ready early so he could drop me off at my car. He didn’t say anything else to me that night but he went right to bed. The next morning he drove me to my car, gave me my bags and when I went to kiss him goodbye ( we always kissed goodbye), he turned his face and made this disgusted face like I was the grossest thing in the world and said “”See ya” to me and drove away.

The breaks

I’m sure by now you have discovered the truth, you were never really in a relationship.  That is to say, you were in a relationship, but only the one that existed in your mind.  In the great words of Lady Mae (Lynn Whitfield / Greanleaf) ” You were dating a void where a person should have been”.  Your boyfriend was really just a mannequin that you were showering with affection and attention.  Think of, those dolls that you put in the car so you can ride in the HOV lane, even though you are in the car alone.

Maintaining a relationship with a narcissist is grueling.  These kind of people are the black-hole of human beings, anything you pour in will vanish never to be seen or heard from again.  Like many of you, I have tons of experience in this department.  The first thing that you want to think about is, the type of narcissist you are dealing with.  Most people think that they are dealing with a certified narcissist, but what they really have is a person who exhibits narcissistic tendencies. Here is how you can measure.

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9 Traits of a narcissist

  1. Grandiosity –  This is an unrealistic view of oneself that they are bigger than life and better than others
  2. Arrogant and Domineering – think they are better than everyone else. They know more than anyone else. Controlling of others and dominating.
  3. Preoccupation with Success and Power
  4. Lack of empathy – an inability to care about the feelings of others or put themselves in someone else’s shoes
  5. Belief of being unique – they feel very different than other people, like there is only one person that is anything like them at all
  6. Sense of entitlement – They are owed things.  They are entitled to anything and everything that they want and desire, including taking over the lives of other people. There is no appreciation when people do anything for them because they were entitled to it, in the first place.
  7. Requires excessive admiration – they want to be admired and paid attention to all the time. They have no tolerance for anyone else being in the spotlight.
  8. Exploitative – they will take advantage of other people for their own best interest. They will take more than they give, refuse to pay people for their services in a fair way …if at all, and use people up until there is nothing left of them
  9. Envious of others – they are resentful when other people have things that they feel entitled to. They become angry when they see that other people have things that they do not

A good rule of thumb, if the person in your life exhibits more than half of these traits its time to get professional help, or bounce.  Those are your only two options, no wiggle room.

Answer

Run! Physically get away, and stay away from this person.  I realize that you wrote in with one question, but my answer is, you are asking the wrong question.  Cease caring what bothers them, they do not care one iota about what bothers or annoys you.  Think about how to resurrect normalcy in your life.  Odds are, after dealing with this person, there will be some residual tendencies and coping mechanisms in place.  Those oddities are going to cause a problem in your next relationship, should you choose to pursue another.

This is not a time for reflection or nostalgia. Your question, is an investigative one.  You want to attribute blame, and understand how they process your behavior.  The salient issue is how you process your own behavior.  Work towards understanding why you allowed yourself to carry on a relationship with a person who was incapable of giving you what you needed to be whole and healthy.  Relationships of circumstance, like those of parents or siblings, are very different than chosen relationships.  When you partner with someone you choose to live with their crazy. My opinion is that you should investigate your state of mind and heal!

 

Family, lets hear what you have to say about this one.  I can’t wait to hear what you have to say.

Regg

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