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Growing Through Changes:Learning Honesty

Think about what you say

In this installment of growing through change, we want to talk about something that we all could do with more of.  Either personally or from someone in your life, don’t you want to have just a little more honesty!  If you are like me, and I am sure that you are, you get fed up with the foolery that people put out.  There is nothing worse than an unsolicited lie.

 

I have a variety of friends.  There is one friend in particular who is not necessarily dishonest, but they seem to have an issue with disclosure.  They are always so suspicious that some one is out to get them that they are always censoring everything that they say.  I am not sure if the issue comes from a lifetime of concealing the true nature of their personality, or perhaps it has just become a habit, and they don’t recognize the behavior anymore.

 

What blocked your road to truth

The idea that there are levels to lying is pure semantics.  Most, feel like they tell lies with good intentions, but mostly people lie to avoid confrontation. Check out the list below and see what category you would put these reasons in:

Mistaken Altruism Trying to manage opinions
Wanting to be the center of attention (made up scenarios in mixed company) Attempting a good deed
Avoiding judgement Attempting to keep up appearances
Wanting to fit in Managing new relationships through deception

 

How do you fix the propensity to lie

During our friendship, I made several attempts to deter this friend from feeling the need to continue this behavior.  Have you ever been around someone who you couldn’t ask simple questions? Like, “What have you been up to”? That’s simple enough. Not aggressive or intrusive.  This friend would say things like, “Why? You heard something?”

 

Oh! That response isn’t suspicious at all.

Friends like this are tiresome and lots of work, but often they don’t realize that their secrecy is a real pain in the ass.  When you are constantly on guard for the potential to have to defend or recreate the proposed truth, communication is a nightmare. Honesty would be so much easier. These types of friendships normally have a very short shelf life.  If you recognize any of these habits in someone you know, or even your own behavior, see the information below for some tips you can employ or share.

Figure out who you really are

Start by offering them the chance to grow the hell up.  This offer however takes time, but in the long run will be the solution with the most permanence. After all,  this is a lesson they should have learned long ago.  Since you are still dealing with it or them today, its only fair that all parties involved recognize their areas for opportunity.

Be honest with people you have emotional connections to

If you interact with people who you feel uncomfortable being honest with, you may need to assess who you are dealing with.  If you are the one with the issue, think about what could really happen if you were completely honest.  When the result of that change is the end of your relationship, then the relationship is already dead.  Salvage as much as you can of your self-esteem and set the truth free. If your situations involve family, it could be a bit trickier.  Family has years of learned interaction, and the habits will be much harder to break and you will face unexpected feedback.  This is the wage for the injurious behavior you have fostered over the years.  Be patient while they adjust to the part of you they have never met and vice versa.

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. ~Thomas Jefferson Click To Tweet

Honesty requires courage and tact and if this behavior is not a natural facet of your personality, the result will be the slow erosion of your core values or the manifestation of some self-sabotaging behavior. Being honest requires courage because it makes us vulnerable and accountable. To avoid stepping on the feelings of others with our honesty also requires tact. Clearly, being truly honest involves more than just telling the truth in every situation, but for people of integrity it is the only acceptable choice.

Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people. ~Spencer Johnson Click To Tweet

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This is a tough lesson.  Feel ok about working through it a little at a time but it is doable.  All you need is the desire and the commitment.  Let’s take the next step.

 

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13 comments

  1. Ok, this hit home because I knew far too many of this kind of personality. In some relationships you can be saying “how are you” and depending on the level of guilt this could drive a person to flip on you!! For me being vulnerable and transparent is a complete necessity in my relationships because if not I wont allow myself to take them seriously. Something that I value in relationships and situations like these are heart to hearts. I believe they take friendships to higher levels and if not if gives a clear answer as to where we stand with our relationships. This post brought back memories! Thank you!

    1. Don’t we all know someone who does this?? I’m so glad this resonates with you. How about the craziness of not just being yourself? Just a mess.

  2. Fantastic post! I’ve known one or two of these people in my lifetime and I’m so happy to be rid of nearly all of them. Unfortunately, work gets us stuck with a few of them from time to time… But at least I can say that my personal life is free of this ugliness!

    1. Isn’t that the truth!! I sit next to one at work she is nosey AF. I often wonder what her friend thing of her but I just say hi and bye. No more no less. Tha k you for reading my little article 😊

  3. I know people that withhold information, but it doesn’t really bother me. I feel like they must have their reasons and they’ll either talk about it when they’re ready or they won’t. If it doesn’t personally affect me, then I kind of don’t care that much. It may be a little annoying at best, but 🤷‍♀️. Should I care? If so, why? Does it make me a bad friend 😮? On the other hand, blatant liars suck and I can’t stand them.

      1. Well in that case, what’s the give and what’s the take? Inquiring minds want to know, so satisfy their curiosity? Is this regarding specific topics or them just being evasive period?

        1. Just general assholery. You know like the one family member who can’t seem to find their way to an honest conversation.

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